Still Waters Run Deep
by TearShield Alchemist
Summary: Life is a many splendid thing. Lacus is feeling sorry, Kira doesn't know, Athrun knows a lot more than he is letting on and Cagalli is our pillar of hope. Angst. Borrowed Idea from ritachi's story Portrayal. A bit of OOCness.
1. Manufactured Beauty

_**Manufactured Beauty**_

A/n: This is a Lacuscentric fic. I came up with it while re-watching the second last episode. This is Lacus' thoughts on herself, her father, her life, that Flay girl and Kira's relationship with Flay. Quite angsty really, but I think Lacus only pretends to smile.

* * *

Why is it that now I am doubting myself?

The war is over, I am alive and I have a home and someone to return to. Yet, I feel as though this is a dream.

_As though I am fake._

_Kira says he loves me, and he has said it often, but he has never kissed me and in return I have never asked him about that girl; Flay._

He didn't tell me much, but the crew of the ArchAngel told me more than I needed to know. Sai said that she was just using him, that I should comfort Kira because the pain of being used hurts like hell. But I could bring myself to do it. Why should I have to comfort him, when I feel the same?

After all, she _was_ a natural beauty. I was made in some labortory almost seventeen years ago. But she... She was made directly by God.

He should love her, for she isn't fake. I was created; I am a doll. But she... Oh, of all the pictures I have seen of her, she was _beautiful_. When I first met her she spoke in harsh words, but I didn't let it get to me, as that didn't usually happen to me. It still hurt though. I didn't understand at the time why Kira had to protect her, but now... I know I love Kira, but love can mean so many things. Flay _"loved"_ Kira enough to use him, I loved Athrun like a brother, Kira loved Mwu like he was Mwu's younger brother, Murrue loved people as though they were all family. Cagalli loves Athrun like a soul mate, and I love Kira as...

_He says he loves me, but I think he loves that dead girl; Flay._

She was everything I'm not. She was naturally pretty and I was **made **to be pretty.

Her voice was naturally soprano. Mine was **made** to be.

I bet she could sing well. My singing was** made** to be that way.

I have done things of my own will and everyone respects me, but Kira's love might just be respect or pity.

He pitied that Flay girl when her father died, so he could probably say loving is pitying.

He has been through a lot, but I have handled more.

_He says he loves me, but in reality he pities me._

He doesn't kiss me, and I don't know why.

He made love to that Flay girl, yet he doesn't touch me.

Is it fear that I am so fragile I'll break?

Or does he think it will lead me on?

Or that I might use him too?

_He says he loves me, that is why I cry so much in front of him._

I can't tell him about my true thoughts, so I show him how I'm feeling.

He thinks it is about the war, or my father, or something else.

When really it is about him.

He doesn't understand.

He says he does, but he doesn't.

He is still in love with that Flay girl, not me.

And I don't know how I love him.

I care for him, but to call it true love?

Never...

I always smile, I never cry.

My father taught me that smiling would make the pain hurt less, when in fact it makes it hurt more.

Because everyone thinks that you are alright, so they let you carry on doing whatever you are doing, and sometimes, like in my case, it is painful to do.

I don't know why I still keep smiling.

Probably to make my father happy.

When really I want to cry deep inside.

Kira doesn't know why I smile either, so maybe _sometimes_ he understands.

I never learnt how to cry properly.

I would cry for five minutes and smile again.

That isn't normal.

I bet that beautiful Flay girl could cry so beautifully that it wold sound like a song; while mine sounds like an animal dying.

_"The most saddest thing is a woman who can't cry" _

I am only a thing, you could even have a daughter who looked like me, sounded like me, and even sang like me. Then they could be me and I could be someone else.

Kira will never let me into his heart;

_He says he loves me, when to the trained eye, he is in loved with someone who's passed on._

Pity isn't love, and it never will be.

So why do I stay with him?

Maybe I pity him?

Maybe we pity each other?

And maybe if he really does love me, part of me can't bear to break his heart.

I wonder if this is dream sometimes,

That my life is just an illusion.

But I can't wake up.

No matter how many times I say "Five more minutes" the alarm won't ring and my mother won't wake me up.

Maybe I am a child's play-thing,

And Kira is in love with that Flay girl,

But it won't take the pain away to know it.

On the contrary, I would hurt worse.

On that thought, maybe I do love him.

Maybe, but only a little

And I want him to show himself to me so our love can grow.

I gave him that ring because I cared for his safety and I thought I had someone to share my thoughts with.

Obviously not.

_He says he loves me, but in truth he is scared I will reject him._

This is why I tried not to fall in love.

Then I wouldn't have these problems with past girlfriends.

But it doesn't work.

I used to change the subject when he was around to something that might let me know more about him.

He never did it for me.

He will never know me, ever.

And that is something that will kep on hurting, until that promise is broken.

And that will be the day he figures out about me, and how he feels about me.

And that'll be the day I _die_...

* * *

That is why I think he is still in love with that Flay girl.

He always talks about her.

It is painful to hear.

In fact, he talks so much about her, that is painful.

The only ones who ask me if I am okay are Andy, Martin and Murrue.

Martin wants to know if the mediator is okay for speaking to the public.

But Andy and Murrue genuinely care. They have gone through the same thing.

Except that I haven't lost Kira, but he is growing to far away from he, so I think I am losing him.

Hell, if I didn't know, I would've thought I'd already lost him.

He has every right to be in love with that Flay girl.

She was a natural beauty, while I was **made** to look like a princess.

If I didn't have that engineering done to me, would I be as pretty as that Flay girl?

Would Kira still "love" me?

I would probably have blond hair and lovely round green eyes. Like my mother's eyes.

My eyes certainly wouldn't be this big and my hair this long, but I would still be Lacus Clyne, most likely.

Sometimes I want to go home.

But I can't.

Neither could that Flay girl, but she had Kira.

And I don't even have that thought to cling to.

It was probably all because of the fact that she was a natural beauty, while I am a sin against God.

She was to die because that is what real humans are most capable of doing so.

But I could even die, no matter how many times I came close,

And the reason?

Because I am a pawn, a toy, an 'it' and I don't really exist.

* * *

_Flashback_

"Athrun?" Lacus asked as she stood atop a small hill outside Andy's house.

"Yes, Lacus?" Athrun replied.

"What do you wish for most in this world?" Lacus asked nonchalantly.

Athrun was taken aback by the question, but he answered quickly.

"True peace and freedom. Because some people will live by this law, but they will be secretly plotting against it"

"Hmm, that's nice" Lacus was staring off into nothing.

"Lacus? What would you wish for?" Athrun smiled, he knew it was probably a haro or somethign childish.

"I wish to know my true thoguhts, be able to tell people them and... You know what Athrun"

"What?" Athrun was surprised by her answer.

"You promise not to tell a soul?" Lacus said handing out her pinky.

Athrun remembered this move from when they were little. He grabbed Lacus' pinky with his own. He pushed their arms down as thoguht they were shaking hands, except with their pinkys.

"Yes, Lacus"

"Well Athrun, I really want to be true to myself. Or maybe be naturally pretty. Or maybe to cry"

"But Lacus, aren't you happy being you?" Athrun thoguht this didn't sound like Lacus.

"No Athrun, that is the main cause of my pain" Lacus smiled.

_End Flashback

* * *

_Exactly as I said,

_I am a manufactured beauty _

_who's life is her greif_

_and she really doesn't exist._  
_

* * *

_

A/n: By the last line I meant that she really didn't fit in, or that she was different, or that she was pretending all along. 

The last line also means that she doesn't exist, because no one knows the real her. She is living as someone else, so the real her doesn't live. Get it?

I have borrowed the flashback idea from ritachi and her story Portrayal. You should read it, it is very true to how someone in Lacus' position would feel.

It is kind of hard to write an angsty Lacus fic, but I tried my best.

I may write a sequel to this on Kira's thoughts.

And then maybe a thoguth on Cagalli being a natural beauty.

I hope people liked this and to all those who think my writing is crap, I tried a new approach. You judge my work by one piece and cant even read the rest!

Please review as I would like to have a story with more than one review!

Happy Easter.

TearShield Alchemist


	2. Fake Reactions

**_Fake Reactions_**

A/n: This was its own story, but now it is a chapter in Still Waters Run Deep. This is Kira's view on things. I have changed the plot line and thanx to ritachi I have a new style. It is going to be about their (GS cast) thoughts on coordinators and the like. This one takes places a few days after Lacus' one does, so by then Kira may have sensed something wrong. Let us begin.

* * *

Athrun tells me there is something wrong with Lacus. 

I don't believe him. He would probably know Lacus the best, but she continues to smile, so I don't worry.

She wouldn't lie to me, would she?

Never.

But I continue to believe in things I can see. If she smiles I believe she is okay. Is that wrong?

I still feel torn up over Flay, but Lacus is the one for me.

_I tell her I love her, and I mean it._

Flay was like a relief and then she became a friend, but Lacus... She is my soul mate.

Athrun asks me if anything is wrong with Lacus, and sometimes Cagalli does too. I don't see anything wrong.

Maybe I am getting blinded by love?

Andy and Murrue seem to ask her a lot if there is anything wrong. I still don't see why though.

_I tell her I love her, I am over Flay._

Sometimes I think about Flay, but then I think of Lacus and that makes me feel better. Lacus doesn't ask me about Flay, but I think she is curious, so I tell her about Flay, but then she leaves before I can tell her that Flay doesn't compare to her at all.

Lacus seems to be wearing a lot of make-up lately too. I heard from Cagalli that she borrowed some from Murrue and herself.

Cagalli seems to worry about Lacus too. Why is it that everyone can see something wrong and I can't?

Lacus comforted me when I cried, but I don't think she will let me comfort her when she cries.

Why is it that everyone can see what is wrong and I can't even comfort her from her own thoughts?

_I tell her I love her, but she is worried I don't._

I can't see where it hurts, but I used to be able to guess. Athrun seems to know something I don't. He tells me I should talk with her, but I don't understand. My father said that when you are in love, you will be able to know what the other is thinking.

But I feel like a schoolboy with a simple crush. I won't kiss her because it would remind me of Flay. Until that memory goes away, and stops hurting so much, I won't let Lacus see all of me and I won't let her surrender to me.

I don't want to be used by anyone ever again. But Lacus is too nice. In fact she smiles so much that I don't think there is anything wrong. Just that she likes smiling or that everyone is making a big deal out of nothing... Then again.

_I tell her I love her, but she doesn't answer me._

Could that be a sign? She has been singing love songs lately, maybe I should talk to her. Maybe take her out to dinner?

God, I feel like a boy trying to impress a girl by doing something big so that she will like me. Maybe I am doing that, but I know that Lacus looks past that into your soul. She stays by my side and we are addressed as boyfriend and girlfriend, but that title doesn't seem right.

Maybe fiancees? Or how about husband and wife? I would like to spend my life with Lacus, but she might be keeping something from me. How could I live with hanging over my head?

_I tell her I love her, and she runs further away. _

I could be faking everyhting, trying to make sure I don't see anything wrong, becuase I don't know how to comfort another? My reactions to her not saying "I love you" back to me is that she is embarrassed or that she is shocked. Maybe I am wrong. My fake reactions and my blinded viewing might be my fault.

I sure hope not...

_I tell her I love her,_

_But that might be hitting where it hurts._

_I tell her I love her,_

_And she cries._

* * *

A/n: Was that a bit better? Athrun has been talking to Kira and giving him coded messages about what Lacus said a few days before. Athrun didn't tell Kira, but Kira is getting the gist of it. 

Next one will be Cagalli, after Kira and Lacus talk. Kira comes to her. And then Athrun after Kira and Lacus talk, when Lacus comes to him.

These pairings you can see. No, it will not be Lacus/Athrun and/or incest Kira/Cagalli fics. Just simple friendship/sibling and love (for the KxL and AxC) pairings. Hope you enjoy these random angst fics.

Happy Easter minna-san!

TearShieldAlchemist (A.K.A Teary)


	3. Oneesama: My Pillar of Hope

**_Oneesama: My dearest sister__, the Pillar of Hope _**

A/n: This is Cagalli when Kira comes to her to talk after Lacus and him talked and they had a fight. Let the Angst roll.

* * *

My little brother is standing in the door frame. 

He was crying and it is raining.

_He spoke out to her, and she hit him._

Lacus talked to him.

Then they fought.

Kira was speaking about Flay during the whole thing.

He wonders why Lacus hates him?

I tried to tell him that Lacus doesn't want to know about Flay.

That she doesn't care

Kira doesn't want to know.

I have spoken to him on may occasions.

He won't listen to anyone.

I know I love Athrun.

But Kira and Lacus aren't like me and Athrun.

They both worry too much.

Lacus is having a time hwere she needs to be comforted.

Kira wants the world to be happy so much that he has blinded himself.

Athrun told me what Lacus said to him.

I was supposed to keep it a secret.

Lacus told him what she told Athrun.

Kira hit her.

She hit him again.

_Their life is being ruined because they are weak, nor will alone, nor strength alone will prevail._

It was ridiculous to hear him telling me this.

From his actions I wanted to tell him to get out of my house.

But he is my little brother.

And I, his oneesama (big sister).

He even called me that when he asked me what I thought.

I told him he needed to apologise.

Lacus probably went to see Milly, Murrue or Athrun to have this same talk.

I will have to call Athrun.

Their relationship is shambles.

And I can only help by telling my brother to apologise.

Am I his pillar of hope?

_I am the only one who can tell him to do this, but he won't listen 'til she leaves him._

What should I do?

* * *

_My brother only listens to what other have to say,_

_If it concerns himself or me,_

_That isn't the only way.

* * *

_A/n: This one may make no sense but how would you feel if your brother or friend came over crying trying to tell you about the relationship problems and asking you what they should do and your opinion. It was hard to write.  
Cagalli eventually let Kira sleep on the couch at her house, just to end the scene.  
Thank you to the people who reviewed!  
Happy Mother's Day, I have updated Five stories today! Go me! This one is short, but I didn't know what else to say!  
TSA


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